And Then Chaos Ensued
by Greyelf
Summary: Crossovers: LOTR, Star Wars, House, Matthew Stover, Jurassic Park, Calvin and Hobbes, Sluggy Freelance, Deus Ex, and more! A comedy wherin Harry Potter gets help defeating Voldemort from characters from numerous universes.
1. Please Tell Me I'm Dreaming!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, the honorable JK Rowling does, but I wish I did own it. Warnings: Nothing yet. Although it is meant to be funny, it is a little less crazy then my usual humor. It may still deteriorate into madness.  
Expanded summary: Why is Ron getting dumber? Why is Hermione becoming a fangirl? And why is Voldemort suddenly becoming more powerful then ever before? Can a new and improved Harry defeat him? Not by himself! Thanks to the Gatekeeper, characters from many other universes are arriving to lend a hand. Unfortunately, it's about to get very crowded... and ever more confusing. 

**Chapter One:**

It started out as a normal day for the Hogwarts Trio. Normal for them, however, was not quite normal even for the rest of the wizarding world (which compared to the muggle world was pretty unusual). Harry was trying to ignore his two friends who were being much more annoying then normal, having realized that they were made for each other. This came about when they realized that they bickered like an old married couple at least twice a day.

Ron was talking about Quidditch and being remarkably thick. He was so engrossed in his discussion of the Chudley Cannon's recent losses that he had not realized that he was tracking in dragon dung from the pumpkin patch (they had just gone to see Hagrid). Hermione was buried in a book called 'The Lord of the Rings' which Harry had seen Dudley pick up once. Dudley could not read above a 7 year old level and had thrown it away in disgust. Harry had crept over and snuck it back into his cupboard. The world of wizards, elves, dragons, trolls etc was so amazing that he had wearied himself every night reading it before bed. Sadly, his Aunt Petunia had caught him and had taken it.

"How far along are you?" asked Harry.

"Oh, I'm to the part where they meet Tom Bombadil. They cut him from the movie."

"There's a movie?" said Harry blankly.

"Oh yes, and they left the poor fellow out."

"I usually skip the whole first book," said Harry absently as they walked along the bridge that led back to the castle.

"Oh, but you shouldn't Harry. The beginning is so wonderful…" and she went on and on about how cute hobbits were, almost like house elves. House elves were short, Harry'd give her that. But the fact was they were ugly with blobish or pencil shaped noses, and heads like potatoes. They lacked hairy feet, good manners, tremendous appetites, and were also pretty damn ugly. But then again Hermione seemed to be remarkably attached to S.P.E.W. The fact was, it was her baby. And Harry had enough respect for maternal instinct to not mess with anyone's baby.

The fact was like Harry had good cause to respect that sometimes people could become so downtrodden that they did not want to be freed. House elves in general hated being freed. They were willing slaves, and if they were enchanted to feel that way then it was still a 'real' feeling. Tricking them into being freed was not the right thing to do, for it led to nothing but unhappiness. Hermione was too book smart, but had no concept of the real world. She wasted her time while there were real people who needed help, and in fact welcomed it.

"Hermione," said Harry thoughtfully. "Maybe you should, stop trying to trick the house elves into being freed."

"Oh Harry," said Hermione. But I knitted about 30 hats for them." And Harry resisted the urge to ask if they looked like hats yet, instead of rabid hedgehogs. She had gone one step up, as they no longer looked like wooly bladders.

"Hermione, they're slaves that want to be slaves. You have to change the mindset first."

"What do you mean Harry?" she asked anxiously, her book forgotten.

"It's no good tricking them if you can't get the wizarding world to accept them. I mean, you'd then have these freed elves that don't want to be freed and can't find people to work for. It's obvious that their love of being slaves is not normal, but if you figure out how wizards did it and convince them it's wrong, then you could make things better."

"Wow, that's really nice thought Harry," said Hermione. "You must have really thought that out. I mean, I didn't think of that and I'm the smart one."

"…I mean when they dumped MacMillian they just went downhill and of course everyone supports the tornados now that they win but I stick by my team even if they're terrible," finished Ron. He looked around as if awakening from a trance. "Well, you didn't say what you thought Harry."

Harry coughed, cleared his throat and then said, "I'm a bit more interested in my first match of the season as captain, mate." And then he and Hermione continued to talk as Ron launched himself whole-heartedly into a long-winded rant about whomping Slytherin into the dirt.

"Likeable Ron," muttered Harry, and Hermione smiled at him. There was a brief pause. "I guess I've been thinking a lot this summer," said Harry. Hermione's smile faded and Harry knew her mind leapt to Sirius and last year's outbursts of temper.

"I did a lot of thinking in fact, and I guess I change a bit. I mean, it changes you when something like that happens but I guess I learned from it." He looked up and realized that Hermione had been about to reply but had stopped. She was staring at a very tall ethereal looking humanoid who was walking out of the Forbidden Forest. In fact, it took Ron several minutes to notice that Hermione and Harry had stopped walking and were staring at a someone or other.

"Mate," said Ron, only just cottoning on. "What is that?"

The whatever it was merely smiled down at them. "Hello Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ronald Weasley. I am the Gatekeeper and you need not wonder what I am. I think the smart one knows already."

Hermione's jaw was flopping around like a fish out of water. "That's not possible," she squeaked out.

"Oh, and this from a girl who knits horrible looking hats for mutated elves?"

"What do you mean?" Hermione squeaked indignantly.

"Don't antagonize him," hissed Ron.

"Smart child, though thick in the head nonetheless."

"Excuse me," said Harry politely. "But you obviously know our names . . . May I enquire as to why you are here…Sir?"

"Oh, fat hobbit is so polite," said the humanoid with a chuckle.

"I'm not a Halfling," said Harry confusedly. "And I'm rather small for my age."

"But obviously you got the reference," said the humanoid. "Ah you see my purpose here is rather important. You see, there are a few … I would not say humans but they are peoples nonetheless… are here to meet you son of James."

"Someone's coming through the gate?" asked Hermione, sounding excited.

"Indeed, lover of books. But do not be fooled by what is in a book. For things are often not as we except. Farewell until later, children of Hogwarts." And with that he vanished into the air.

"Pinch me," grunted Ron. "That was so surreal . . . make sure I'm awake 'Mione."

"I second that," mumbled Harry.

"Thegate, thegateintheforestisopened," Hermione squealed, running all her words together. "Thegateisopenedandsomeoneiwllcome! Oooh, it's so exciting, the Gatekeeper actually appeared to us. It's amazing!"

"Come again," said Ron drly.

"The-gate-in-the-forest-is-open," Hermione squealed, grabbing him and hugging him. She released him when he started to turn blue from lack of oxygen.

"Hate on the Morris?" asked Harry. "Pardon?"

"Oh you'll see Harry. It's so wonderful." Far from reassuring him Hermione's excited and incomprehensible squeals only made him more agitated.

He was distracted by another person coming out of the forest. He was a tallish man with long flowing dark hair. He wore a circlet on his head, and flowing robes that looked very expensive.

"You are Harry son of James, are you not?" he enquired of Harry.

"Um, yeah," said Harry lamely.

"I am Elrond, son of Earendil. I have come to serve you."

Hermione gave a squeak that sounded vaguely happy, and swooned on the spot. Ronald shrugged. "Well, welcome to Hogwarts," said Ron cheerfully. "You shut her up so you must be good."

"Leviacorpus!" said Harry, and Hermione's body was lifted up. Upon realizing she was floating in the air she screamed. A startled Harry cut the spell abruptly, letting her fall to the ground. After dusting herself off she slapped them both and stormed off.

"PMS?" asked Ron. Hermione wheeled around 180 degrees and slapped him again. Ron rubbed at his face.

"We'd better see Dumbledore," said Harry.

"I can hear you, you know," said Hermione, who was quite far ahead. "And yes, I think we'd better."

Smiling a completely unreadable smile, Elrond, who was obviously not human, followed them as they walked along. Harry and Ron continued to pinch themselves all the way to the castle doors.


	2. Elves and House Elfs

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, the honorable JK Rowling does, but I wish I did own it.

Warnings: Nothing yet. Although it is meant to be funny, it is a little less crazy then my usual humor. It may still deteriorate into madness.

Summary: We learn what is going on… not that it is reassuring.

**Chapter Two: **

****

After much pinching and must pain Ron and Harry had decided that they were not dreaming. After they came to this realization Harry realized he was walking around with his wand out and Ron looked ready to cry.

"It's simply wonderful," Hermione bubbled.

Of course," said Ron, who looked ready to be sick.

"Stop the ride", Harry choked. "I want off."

"Don't be a baby Ron," snapped Hermione, who looked nearly as dignified as the royal looking fairy traveling behind her. Ron and Harry looked crestfallen, and dragged themselves after her with great difficulty. Elrond seemed to be able to travel effortlessly, and it seemed as though he was slowing down to stay between them and Hermione out of sheer politeness.

It was too long before they found themselves standing in front of the Gargoyle.

"Sugar quills," said Harry confidently. But the gargoyle remained immobile.

"Sherbert lemon," said Hermione.

"We could be standing here all day…blood pops" said Harry. "Though, I used to think it was foolish to use something so predictable, it's really hard. Cockroach clusters! There are like a million sweets it could be."

"Acid pops!" said Hermione. "I know Harry…ice mice." Still no movement.

"Chocolate frogs," said Ron. "Butter pecans?"

"Twizzlers? Chocolate drops? Ice lollies?" Harry looked annoyed. The whole time they stood there reciting sweets Elrond had smiled his knowing smile and eventually he had spoken quietly to the gargoyle. None of the trio noticed it until with a rumble the Gargoyle moved aside.

"You knew the entire time?" asked Hermione.

"No. I merely asked him politely to move aside as the Headmaster was expecting you."

"That's never worked for me," said Harry. "All I get are sarcastic comments.

But Hermione looked thoughtful. "You used elvish didn't you?"

"Indeed," said the…elf? That smiled was now starting to annoy Harry. "Though even few of our lords could have managed it, and I would ask that you not inquire as to how I managed it. First we must speak to your wise headmaster, and then explanations shall mayhaps follow after we converse upon recent events."

"Gesundheit," said Ron. But he was silent as they headed up the stairs to the headmaster's office.

"How does he know all this?" whispered Harry to Hermione.

"He's probably listening in now," said Hermione. "But I doubt he'll tell you."

Dumbledore looked surprised when they all stumbled into his office.

"Harry, I was not expecting to see you. And who is this?"

"The Gatekeeper said that the gate has been opened," said Hermione. Dumbledore's expression became serious.

"And he came through the gate?"

"Yes sir," said Hermione.

"Can we learn what is going on here?" asked Ron angrily. Harry said nothing but felt Ron was rather out of line.

"Ron," Hermione scolded, irked by his rudeness. When in doubt, let Hermione handle it.

"I don't blame Weasley for feeling rather confused and left out," said Dumbledore. "So we may excuse a little rudeness. But I think our guest should be first in introducing himself, as he no doubt knows us."

"I am Elrond son of Earendil, and I am lord of Imladris. I was contracted by the Gatekeeper who explained that there was a war going on and you would need aid. He explained that time passes separately in both worlds, and while I linger here it would stop for me in Middle Earth."

"Of course, I understand that you must have many duties," said Dumbledore.

"Yes, but knowing they would be safe unattended during my absence was re-assuring. I was the best choice for an envoy between my world and yours, and knowing I was needed I agreed."

Dumbledore nodded. "I was warned earlier that the gate would be opened soon, but I had no idea that the one sent through would be a lord of such power."

"I thank you for accepting me into your world, Dumbledore."

"Call me Albus," said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling in that usual way of his. Harry now found it distinctly annoying. "You will of course be housed comfortably, as we do in act have extra rooms available. No doubt you are but the first of many. I hope that we have the space. Were you perhaps notified of how many?

"I was told that current estimates were at 12, but more may yet join," said Elrond. "One envoy from each world, and so far only 12 have agreed, but more from other worlds may yet arrive."

"Oh dear," said Dumbledore. "We have housed students before, but I can't very well ask all of our guests to share. No doubt the numbers will climb higher soon."

"Each may yet have their use," said Elrond. "But I think that you should steel yourself for the chaos which is likely to ensue once they start to arrive in greater numbers."

"I shall try my best," said Dumbledore. "But in the meantime, an elf will show you to your quarters."

"You have elves in your world?"

"Oh yes," Hermione interrupted. "And they're virtual slaves."

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "Young Hermione here is quite outspoken. They are not elves as you know them, Elrond Peredhil."

"Yet I would not justify my kin's hunting of petty dwarves no more then I would justify the kinslaying."

"They are called house elves for a reason Lord Elrond. And I would say that they work because they enjoy it.'

"As dwarves mine for gold, not for reward but for the beauty of the gems they sought?"

"I would say so, yes. They are tied to one family during their lives, and thus can be treated ill. Servants were treated just as badly at times, and while they are not paid being freed is to them a sign of shame. It is deplorable indeed, which is why at Hogwarts I keep and offer payment to two of some of the few freed elves. But now is not the time for an elf rights discussion."

Hermione looked like she wanted to say something, but she fell silent knowing she was dismissed. Ron was not so smart. "Let it rest for once Hermione. You and spew."

"It's S.P.E.W" said Hermione hotly. "Which you should know being a member and all." Harry felt a headache coming on again.

"I only joined because you made me, and you're the only member who joined that wasn't blackmailed or annoyed to death."

There was a crack and Dobby appeared. He bowed to Elrond. "Dobby is knowing you are an elf sir, a real elf such as what lived long ago when wizards were new."

"That," said Harry grimly, "is a House elf."

Elrond held out a hand. He kept it low so it was at Dobby's height, and being quite tall it looked excruciatingly uncomfortable. Dobby's eyes filled with tears. "Mister Elf is too good to Dobby he is. Dobby is being treated like a real wizard. Only good mister Potter and master Dumbledore has ever treated Dobby so well."

"See," said Hermione. "That's how they're treated, like worse then dirt. It's simply awful."

"Dobby," said Harry firmly. "Is the only elf I know who wanted to be free, and he still talked Dumbledore out of paying him a good salary and letting him more then one day off a month."

Elrond turned to Hermione, and said in one sentence what Harry had been trying forever to say to Hermione for ages. "The greatest harm that is ever done in this world is done by those who mean well, but know not what they do, even the very wise." And Harry thought of Sirius and realized that while even the wise may make mistakes, the greatest fools are those who think that it means weakness.

Elrond followed Dobby out of the office, leaving Hermione chewing her bottom lip. Ron was smirking.

"I think Miss Granger," said Dumbledore. "That it is up to you to explain to Messirs Potter and Weasley what is going on." His eyes twinkled again, and Harry resisted the urge to punch his beloved mentor in the face. "If you don't, I'm afraid they may become confused."


	3. The Long Boring Story

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, the honorable JK Rowling does, but I wish I did own it. Warnings: Nothing yet. Although it is meant to be funny, it is a little less crazy then my usual humor. It may still deteriorate into madness.  
Summary: Hermione tries to explain, and we get ready for another guest.

Chapter Three: "He called him Peredhil Ron," said Hermione. "It means half elf." They were all sitting in the Gryffindor common room. Harry was supposed to be writing a Potions' essay but was instead doodling on a spare piece of parchment and listening to Hermione drone on about the language and history of elves.

"So he's half elf, which would explain why he looks human. But who'd want to marry an elf."

"Elves Ron, are not like House Elves which you would know if you paid attention. They are the Eldar, people of the stars. They're immortal and can't die by illness."

"But they can die?" Ron was getting out a pack of cards.

"Well, yes. They can be killed."

"Then how can they be immortal? Do they just keep walking around in tiny pieces?"

"Oh Ron! You are so stupid! They're immortal because they can't die natural deaths, they can only be killed. And when they are killed they can be reincarnated or continue to walk in the Halls of Mandros."

"Whatever," said Ron. "But then why does he look so weird? He's human, but not." Ron was trying to build a tower out of the cards. Harry put down his quill and went to help Ron.

"Elves walk half in this world half in the other, so they're ethereal and beautiful. Half elves get to choose between being an elf and being a human." Hermione was in her element now.

"So… he's like 100 percent elf?"

"Well yes, except his children still had to make that choice."

"He has kids back at home?"

"Yes, and his daughter was one of two famous elf maidens who chose to give up immortality to be with a loved one."

"Who'd do that? No guy is worth it."

"I think it's romantic," said Hermione.

"I think it's dumb," said Ron. He went back to his card tower, which blew up in his face spectacularly. Hermione didn't bother to insult Ron's lack of sensitivity, or total lack of romance. She did however laugh when Ron took the brunt of the explosion.

"Anyways," said Hermione, setting his eyebrows right again with fluid waves of her wand. "The Gatekeeper doesn't just control the portal to all these worlds, he also has to choose who will come and explain everything to them."

"I don't fancy that job," said Ron. "What if the world you go to has weird fire creatures that don't speak English and then you have to educate them about faucets when they don't even know what water is." Hermione giggled. 

"Ron, that's the most insightful thing I've heard yet from you." Ron turned beet red. Harry provided a distraction.

"Hermione, one thing I don't get is . . . Well Elrond's a book character. So is it really a nonfiction book? Or is it just a story and in another world they exist? I mean, Dobby's reaction…"

"Well according to the book on the subject no one really knows for sure if it's really happened in another universe and the opening of the gate causes it to change our history, but they think it does. It could be that the gate merely brings in characters from a book and gives them life."

"So… if we know the book he's from we could know what happens to him, or maybe not."

"Right", said Hermione. "But I didn't want to bring that up. It's better not to."

"Hermione," said Ron. "Do you reckon that maybe if we told him we'd wreck the future of his world?"

"Maybe," said Hermione. "As for how real, it is, we'll know if we get a person from let's say a comic or a painting."

"So Marvin Miggs the Mad Muggle walks in looking like he walked right out of the page we'll know?" asked Ron.

"I reckon so," said Harry. "It'd be pretty obvious then, wouldn't it?"

"Couldn't it be both thought mate?" said Ron.

"I don't think so," said Hermione.

"You're giving me a headache," said Ron irritably.

"Join the club," snorted Harry. "Does the little Ron's brain hurt from being used too much?"

"Shut up Harry," said Ron.

"Well," said Hermione. "If they're only characters it doesn't matter because once they enter our world they're real. They can feel pain and such."

"So if a comic character who by his nature can get beaten up and only have stars enter our world he could die?" said Harry. That thought saddened him as he rather liked the idea of an impervious cartoon of Saturday morning coming to aid them. Voldy-shorts would keep trying to kill him to no effect. Now that would be worth seeing.

"Harry," Ron groaned. "My aching head."

"Oh Ronald," said Hermione. "Grow up."

Ron sighed and rolled off of his chair. He got up and headed towards the portrait. "Where are you going?"

"Hospital wing," Ron grunted. "Headache potion."

"You can stop the joke mate," said Harry.

"Oh Ron, you really do have a headache don't you?" And Hermione switched right into her motherly stage with startling rapidness. Ron's ears turned red as he was kissed thoroughly and examined. "I'll come with you."

Harry felt abandoned as they headed out together. He thought of finishing his essay, which was due the following day, but he didn't really feel like it. It was because of this that he found himself thinking about Hermione and Ron snogging off behind the curtains of a hospital bed. His feet carried him out without him even thinking about it and it was with great surprise that he found himself heading outside.

When he saw the wheezy Filch leering at him at the entrance he wheeled around without another word. He ran into Snape, his least favorite person in the whole world. Nonetheless he resolved to try and be polite.

"Watch where you're going Potter," he snapped, flashing a set of very crooked, very yellow teeth. "Five points from Gryffindor."

"Er," said Harry. "I'm really sorry." Snape stared at him as though he'd grown an extra head, and then he felt the subtle probe that told him his mind was being invaded. It drew back quickly when he began to push back.

"You've practiced," said Snape venomously. "Could have done it before and saved your god-mutt."

Harry felt no anger. All he felt was a sense of sinking through the floor. "Well, I should have." He met Snape's gaze coolly, thinking about how Snape should have also been a better teacher. "Very white teeth mean you either bleached them or you've worn the enamel off," said Harry quickly, babbling. "Yellow means you've built up enamel which can protect your teeth."

Snape was so surprised that he couldn't even take points off. "Did someone give you a babbling draft Potter?"

"No sir," said Harry cheerfully. "Look inside and find out." It was a gamble, true. But he had a feeling that he could pull it off. Let Snape see the inconsequential stuff, slip the important stuff behind it. More difficult than simply blocking, it was more useful.

"That's 15 points for your cheek Potter," but nonetheless Snape forced his way in with a flick of his wand. There was a shocked squeal and the sound of falling books.

"Severus, what are you doing?" And a flustered Minerva McGonagall flew around the corner. "This is abuse of power. The headmaster will hear of this to be sure!"

"No Professor!" squeaked Harry. "I asked him too. Really I did!"

"Potter, no need to justify this Slytherin's actions. I knew Albus never should have trusted you!"

"PROFESSOR!" roared Harry. "STOP IT!" There was a shocked silence. "Good. We are going to see Dumbledore and then we will sort this mess out and if you please you let him handle it. Thanks professor." 


End file.
